Living in Faith or Fear?

A few weeks ago, I stopped at San Xavier del Bac Mission church on my way home from a meeting. Like so many before me, I sat in the wooden pews, looked at the sacred art, and prayed. I found myself thinking about what motivated the artists who created the many religious paintings and sculptures which adorn the inside of what’s also known as the White Dove of the Desert.

San Xavier church was built in the late 1700s, making it the oldest intact European structure in Arizona. It was designed and decorated in the Spanish Baroque style, which was then fashionable in Spanish colonies across the world. (At the time, the greater Tucson area was part of New Spain.) Interestingly, some of the sculptural elements in the church were likely created by artists from Querétaro in what is now central Mexico, then brought by mule across the mountains and through the desert to be assembled and decorated at San Xavier.

The San Xavier Mission itself was started by Jesuit priest Fr. Eusebio Kino in the 1690s, a century before the church was built. The goal of the mission, of course, was the conversion of the local Native American Tohono O’odham people to Christianity. I find myself wondering what these Indigenous people thought and felt about the construction of this outlandish foreign church building on their land. It certainly looked nothing like their own architecture or art.

On this Labor Day, I wonder: As they were likely conscripted to put together the wooden forms of these religious symbols and sculptures, what did the O’odham people think? Had they absorbed enough Christianity in the intervening century that this felt like a sacred project? Did the young construction workers get an earful from their grandparents about how the foreign invaders were turning their world upside down? Did these people help construct and decorate the church out of a heartfelt faith or a reasonable fear?

Christianity as an institution doesn’t have a very good track record in that regard. From the Spanish Inquisition to the many abusive Christian Boarding Schools in North America, Christianity has engendered a lot of fearfulness. In my family, my maternal grandfather went to Catholic school and later told my grandmother that it didn’t matter what church his children attended—as long as it wasn’t Catholic.

Yet, this same man created his own religious sculptures—his interpretation of the Mission Church of San Xavier del Bac. This same man’s granddaughter—me—is drafting this blog post while on a writer’s retreat at a Catholic retreat center. I think I’m driven more by faith than fear. However, I’m very aware of my hardworking ancestors who toiled long hours in field and factory in part because of the Protestant work ethic. There certainly have been times when my spiritual(!) work performance has been driven more by fear than by faith.

Then there is the reality that sometimes our fear is fully justified. San Xavier church was built as part of an effort to erase Indigenous religious and cultural customs and norms. The O’odham people would have been justified in their fear. I fear that what’s labeled “Christian” by those in power in America today will significantly erode my fellow citizens’ understanding of the deep truths that Jesus taught.

What about you? What seemingly contradictory religious stories have you been taught or experienced? In what ways has your religious or spiritual life been driven by faith and in what ways has it been compelled by fear?