On Shifting the Trajectory of My Life

I’m exhausted—and it is by choice. I don’t regret it.

You see, two months ago, I left my husband Henry and filed for divorce. After thirty years of marriage, I needed to walk away.

Interestingly, the initial response of many people has been, “I’m sorry.” It seems to be the standard cultural response to the “failure” of a marriage to last a lifetime. But please don’t be sorry for me. I took vows to be married until “death do us part,” and death parted us—in the sense that the relationship had died.

But this death is not what I want to write about. I’ve said for years, in various contexts, that it’s much less helpful to focus on what we’re against than to focus on what we are for. What is it that beckons us toward something different and new?

My divorce doesn’t mean I’m moving toward another man. I have no interest in another romantic relationship. Instead, I am, in very real ways, choosing—at last—to put myself first. American—and too frequently Christian—culture teaches women to sacrifice themselves on the altar of our other relationships, be they with family, work, causes, whatever. When we do that to the detriment of ourselves and our souls, we gradually die—psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually. It’s too often a trajectory toward depression, disillusionment, and despair.

The past couple weeks have been extremely busy for me as, with professional assistance, I sorted, packed up, and moved into storage what I am taking with me from the house that will soon go on the market. I’ve been blessed with the help of my mom, who flew over and accompanied me for almost a week—to help me make decisions and support me through this process. I’ve also been blessed with friends offering love, encouragement, and a multitude of boxes and packing material from their recent and planned future moves!

At the same time, as you can see from the picture above, I’ve also been doing my best to manage my work life as a solopreneur. It’s not been easy—and it’s been life-giving because I am in the midst of a resurrection. I am shifting away from detrimental self-sacrifice to compassionate self-care. I am celebrating and nurturing myself. I will not dwell on what went wrong or succumb to despair. I will thrive.

I welcome your prayers, for Henry and for me, as we conclude the divorce process. I also welcome your prayers for all people who are ending relationships and “lifetime” commitments because they are no longer life-giving.

And if you are facing such a choice yourself, please look at my face in the picture above. Take heart. Know that it’s possible to choose a new trajectory and thrive on the other side. It will sometimes be frightening, disorienting, and exhausting. It will sometimes be very hard. And it will also be life-giving. You can do it too!

The image that came to mind when I realized it was time to leave my marriage was that of wings and taking flight. I drew this picture years ago at a CAC conference. It has taken on new meaning and purpose for me as I prepared to take flight from one commitment and shift the trajectory of my life.

P.S. I realize the news I’ve shared here could give rise to strong emotions as well as questions. If you choose to comment on this post, please be kind, as commenters always have been in this space. Also be mindful that there is an element of privacy to be protected even after a public announcement such as mine. Thank you.